Clash of the stars
by fluffy's minion
Summary: Contains characters from Star trek, Star wars, and Stargate. Oh yes, and randomness. One good and one evil character from each gets trapped on some planet for some not adequately explained reason. Written like a TV series, so expect music and camera pans.
1. Chapter 1: The beginning

Disclaimer, I don't own any of the characters below, if I did....

I think it's better we don't go there. Thanks to Torchwood101 and Anessathiel for helping with the idea. Before you read this, keep this in mind; this was originally going to be filmed, but with a total of five people playing all the roles. Here is the list of who was going to be played by the same people,

Kirk– Khan – Director

(A random) Jedi – Revan –Narrator

Carter – Hathor – Writer

Jingo – Darth Chavus – Cameraman

Sweater Guy – Stunt Double – Producer

_Cue title sequence._

_Camera pans down through the tree tops, careful to avoid the vengeful squirrels, to reveal a clearing, birds sing peacefully in the background, oblivious to the randomness about to be unleashed on their gentle, unsuspecting world. A figure comes into view, appearing out of nowhere, unless they were there from the start, and the cameraman was just too distracted by the birds to notice._

Narrator: A long time ago in the far future, in a time a bit like the present(ish)

_The figure sneaks a look at a copy of the script stashed in a pocket; someone didn't learn their lines._

Narrator: In a small clearing, thanks to the mother of all convenient plot twists, characters from Star wars, Star trek, and Stargate, are temporarily marooned...

_Camera slips away during the dramatic pause, and three new characters appear, the narrator left to continue offstage._

Narrator: And not too happy about it.

_The cameraman utilises some super secret lighting technique, and the characters in the clearing are brought into sharp focus._

Kirk: I am afraid that you won't be enjoying my company much longer, Scotty will be getting my signal in a few moments, then I'll be beamed out of here!

Jedi: You just keep telling yourself that.

Kirk: I'm sorry; I can't here you over the sound of how awesome I am!

_He proceeds to strike a dramatic pose, to better allow the others to bask in his awesomeness. They don't._

Narrator: But... Unbeknownst to them...

_Motion blur, the camera stops facing and almost identical clearing. The light dim, perhaps something is about to happen?_

Narrator: Their enemies have also found their way there.

_This could almost be called a letdown, if any real tension had been built._

Narrator: However, they are not relevant to the story at the moment so we will return to the good guys.

_They turn on the narrator, shocked and angry that their precious camera time has been snatched away by flashy visual effects. However, before they can act on this, the camera returns to the original cast, who couldn't care less how the others are feeling, they've got their own problems... _

Carter: I have an idea, if we find the stargate, we can go home!

_A brilliant plan, but with just one problem..._

Jedi: You mean YOU can go home.

Kirk: It's still a plan!

Jedi: Fine. But does anyone have any idea where one is?

_Make that two._

Carter: I think there should be one...

_She mutters thoughtfully to herself, bent over as if conspiring with some invisible 'thing', bravely searching for some sort of logic defining this randomness, there must be some sort of pattern, right?_

Kirk: Port side warp six people!

_Wrong._

Others: ...

_Kirk suddenly finds himself on the receiving end of an awkward silence, and reluctantly has to translate._

Kirk: OK, that way and quickly!

Jedi: Much better.

_After a not to promising start, this fanfic is moving forwards, the character are on the move, the plot is advancing, and the cameraman is frantically running to try and keep up._

Carter: I think this may take a while.

_The group pass a totally unremarkable piece of scenery, lots of bracken, a few patches of heather, overall, nothing worth commenting on._

Carter: I feel like I've been here before.

_They pass an equally dull, identical piece of boring scenery_

Kirk: Déjà vu, cosmic.

_They begin to get suspicious, just how much was the scenery department paid, or more importantly, __**was**__ there a_ _scenery department?_

Jedi: Does anyone else get the feeling that we're walking past the same spot over and over again?

_Yep. They've cracked it. I thought that heather looked familiar..._

Cameraman: Shh! You're ruining the movie magic!

_The cameraman feels the need to step in, but you never see his face. I wonder why?_

Sweater Guy: Kirk, you are trapped on an unidentified planet with two girls, which one would you date?

_And so was the somewhat uncomfortable entrance of the Sweater Guy, who after his question has been answered, we'll probably never see again. The red shirt underneath the sweater confirms this, he is DOOMED!!_

Kirk: The director. We have so much in common.

Director: We're practically the same person!

_If you didn't get that, check the top of the page, I told you the character list was going to be important!_

Carter: Look! A water source! We might not die after all!

_All goes black, and then it refocuses on the others, who have successfully negotiated more screen time._

Hathor: Look! A water source! We might not die after all!

_The two groups spot each other across the small lake/ pond thing, and for a moment their eyes meet, so inevitably, a staring contest ensues. Each character gets a few moments in an epic close up, accompanied by some carefully selected background music. The Jedi and Revan get good and bad star wars music respectively. So far so good. Carter gets the chorus of 'behind those hazel eyes', and Hathor is staring to the rather appropriate 'love machine'. Kirk gets 'Star trekking' and Khan, 'lollypop' He nods his head in approval, breaking just about every unwritten law of good taste. _

Khan: Ahhh! My eyes!

Good Guys: We win!

_This declaration of victory is accompanied by exited and triumphant high fiving, with a lot of jumping added in for good measure._

Jingo: Let's take advantage of this situation and kill them now!

Kirk: Where did he come from?

Jedi: That's not important right now.

_This statement is accompanied by the hand gesture commonly associated with Jedi mind tricks, as that's what this is._

Kirk: That's not...

Jedi: Shut up, I'm talking.

_This is probably out of character, so don't dwell on it._

Kirk: ?

Jedi: Anyway, it would be a bad idea to kill them now.

Jingo: Would that be because you are a stuck up Jedi with a strong 'moral code'?

Jedi: No, it's because when you're trapped on an isolated planet, double the people means double the chance of survival.

Kirk: Now you sound like Spock.

Jedi: What did I say?

Kirk: Sorry.

Jedi: Now we go over there and attempt to strike an alliance.

Kirk: Who put you in charge?

Jedi: I did.

Carter: So who do you suggest?

Kirk: Me.

Carter: Why you? I have more experience with being trapped on inhospitable planets!

Kirk: I'm the captain of the Enterprise. That makes me more qualified to lead.

Carter: Yeah well...

_Sensing that their petty squabbling won't be ending any time soon, the Jedi makes a decision._

Jedi: Let's go.

_Some unidentifiable (and probably irrelevant) amount of time later..._

Kirk: Because I'm better than you!

Jedi: Hi! Did you miss me?

Carter + Kirk: ????

_Kirk and Carter are thrust into the situation of having three enemies from their own worlds appearing, seemingly, out of nowhere. There is a bit of throat clearing and uncomfortable shuffling, until the tension is finally broken._

Revan: After much deliberation...

Hathor: we have reluctantly agreed...

Khan: to help you lot!

_This sentence finishing is (probably) not a result of psychic joining, just planning in advance. (But, with a fic like this, you never know)_

Carter: Oh, joy.

_Inspirational music starts, everyone can tell that someone is about to burst to song, with joyous abandon, but who?_

Khan: You just call, out my name,

And you know, wherever I am,

I'll come running...

_It was Khan. What a surprise._

Carter: NOOOOOOOOOO!

_Everyone else reacts in much the same way, but since the cameraman decided to do a close up, Carter's all we can see._

Narrator: Disaster strikes! We are encountering a genre shift!

_Duh duh duh!_

Kirk: This is all Khan's fault!

_Cut_

More chapters will follow, if this is popular.


	2. Chapter 2: The second chapter

Welcome to Chapter Two: The second chapter. I haven't gone and stolen the rights to the characters since the first one, so the disclaimer still applies. Thanks to Torchwood101 and Anessathiel once again, both for helping with the idea and reviewing the first chapter. In case you've forgotten the characters since reaching the end of the last one, here they are:

Kirk– Khan – Director

(A random) Jedi – Revan –Narrator

Carter – Hathor – Writer

Jingo – Darth Chavus – Cameraman

Sweater Guy – Stunt Double – Producer

Narrator: Last time on clash of the stars;

_There are a series of images and short clips from last time, but I'm going to assume that you've read the first chapter and don't need reminding._

_Cue title sequence_

_There is a brief moment of blackness before the screen comes into focus, zooming in on the narrator, who is about to reveal something in a jaw-droppingly dramatic fashion._

Narrator: We are now becoming... a musical!

_Well, the build up was impressive, even if the statement itself wasn't. Despite the seemingly innocent nature of this statement, the effects are clearly visible. The world becomes brighter, colours more vivid, and the props department scurry back and forth hiding speakers in the undergrowth._

Everyone: What?

_Their confusion is justified, because, as they speak, a spotlight shines through the treetops, and the rest of the world dims, then, as if by magic, a random tribble falls from the sky, accompanied by the beginnings of a cheerful little tune, and lands at Kirk's feet. No-one mentions this, however, lest they suffer the wrath of Bob, the demon king of convenient plot twists and his army of evil plot bunnies._

Kirk: It's da tribbles,

Whoa whoa,

They be coming,

Whoa whoa,

You klingons better beware

'Cause these little things can sense ya!

Whoa whoa,

Tribbles plus food equals...

Jedi: a fat tribble?

Kirk: No!

You get...

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of

Hungry little tribbles (hungry little tribbles)

Hungry little tribbles

They eat everything!

Oh, these little balls of fluff,

May be cute and soothing,

But they'll eat you out of house and home,

Literally!

_The music tails off, and we are left with a confused Kirk, standing, arms outstretched, in the centre of the clearing. The tribble is nowhere to be seen._

Jedi: They _are_ quite cute.

Hathor: I know something that's even cuter.

_The spotlight has returned, and Hathor is the victim this time. She meanders off towards a chair at the edge of the screen, followed closely by the camera, as the cast wait with baited breath for whatever embarrassment will follow._

Hathor: My tiny little worm,

I hardly knew thee,

Although I've been your host,

For nearly all of eternity,

And I know it may be hard to part,

'Cause you're wrapped tight around my heart.

Oh, my tiny little worm,

Our relationship must end,

I know the idea makes you squirm,

But you've been a very special friend,

And there's no need to say goodbye,

I'll know it's you when you glow your eyes.

Oh goa'uld of mine,

I hate letting you go,

I love the way you're eyes do shine,

I'll miss you more than you know.

_The screen flicks back to the others as soon as the song ends, leaving Hathor forgotten off-screen._

Revan: Worm?

Kirk: Cute?

Sweater guy: Shiny?

_The director notices the sweater guy's return, and takes immediate action, getting out a chocolate wrapper and luring him into the bushes, moments later a thwack followed by a thud emanates from the leafy depths, and the sweater guy is gone once more._

_The cameraman reluctantly tears his eyes (and the camera) off the bush, for the spotlight of doom has selected its next victim: Darth Chavus. Everyone else retreats to watch from a safe distance, taking cover behind the trees or, in Kirk's case, the director. The music starts up, a thumping beat with lots of disk scratching over it. Darth Chavus opens his mouth and..._

_CRASH!_

_The screen shatters, and all of the bright , colourful musical atmosphere drains away, the spotlight flickers and goes out, and there is a chorus of popping and fizzling as the speakers break. Darth Chavus is still centre screen, looking, if anything, disappointed._

Narrator: Thank goodness! His complete lack of musical ability killed that genre dead, we are now free, free, Free!

_I won't hesitate to add that that was overly dramatic, and probably also an overreaction, accompanied by flailing arms and buckets of enthusiasm._

Jedi: That was embarrassing

Kirk: Never speak of this again

Narrator: good, now that that's out of the way, we can get on with the next disaster.

_A/N: It's true, there has to be one, otherwise I won't have anything to write about._

Everyone: What?

_Shock is written across their faces, in metaphorical block capitals, with subtitles of horror. _

Jedi: I sense a disturbance in the force; I believe a time loop is imminent.

Kirk: Why? Why would anyone do this to us!

_He's on his knees, pleading at the cameraman, who just shrugs his shoulders and jogs the camera._

Narrator: Because it's fun. And because our wonderful audience love to see you embarrassed, humiliated, and yearns to witness your inevitable mental breakdown.

Kirk: That will never happen!

Narrator: We'll see.

_The camera cuts to a wide angle shot, without any particular character centre screen, it's almost as if the cameraman got bored of turning the camera to face whoever's talking._

Carter: There was a time loop back on Earth once.

Kirk: I'm from Earth too!

Revan: Good for you.

_In case you hadn't noticed, that was sarcastic._

Jedi: I'm not.

Kirk and Carter: Weirdo.

Jedi: How do we know we're in a time loop? I can't see anything different.

Carter: You might not be in it, only people who are in it notice it.

Kirk: I wonder who is.

Hathor: We'll find out soon enough.

Revan: Or maybe you won't.

_He is clearly tempted to follow that up with an evil laugh, but settles for an evil snicker._

Jedi: Why are we just standing here? We've got stuff to do; we have to get back to our own worlds!

Darth Chavus: Innit blud!

_The cast freeze, unsure whether that was meant to mean something profound or important, or whether it was just nonsense._

Revan: Ignore him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

_There is a rather subdued sigh of relief; he was just a loon after all._

Carter: There was a time loop back on Earth once

_Here's where it gets interesting, as it is now clear that all of the bad guys (except Khan, who was sent into exile after starting the musical) and Kirk are not repeating themselves, the rest are acting as if they weren't there._

Revan: It's started.

Kirk: What?

Darth Chavus: It's da time loop, innit.

Jedi: I'm not.

Carter: Weirdo.

Jedi: How do we know we're in a time loop? I can't see anything different.

Carter: You might not be in it, only people who are in it notice it.

Kirk: I can't take much more of this.

Hathor: You'll just have to grin and bear it, for all you know this could go on for days, weeks even.

Revan: And we get to sit here and watch you slowly lose the will to live.

_After saying this, all the bad guys currently present pull up some chairs and sit in a semi circle around Kirk, and just stare at him. In the corner of the screen the director is thanking Bob for the chairs._

Jedi: Why are we just standing here? We've got stuff to do; we have to get back to our own worlds!

Darth Chavus: Innit blud!

Revan: Ignore him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

_The chairs have disappeared, obviously the director didn't pay the plot bunnies enough._

Kirk: Not you too?

_He is starting to panic, but has yet to start screaming._

Revan: It's a joke, moron.

Kirk: Oh.

Carter: There was a time loop back on Earth once.

Kirk: Not this again.

Revan: You are DOOOOOMED!

Jedi: I'm not.

Carter: Weirdo.

Jedi: How do we know...?

Kirk: You don't because you're not!

Carter: ...

Kirk: SHUT UP!

Hathor: I think he's losing it.

Revan: You mean lost it.

Jedi: Why...

Kirk: Because it's a time loop!

Hathor: Calm down, it's only the third cycle.

Kirk: If you dare mention the time loop on Earth again I'll... I'll...

Carter: There was a...

Kirk: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Narrator: And there it was, the moment at least some of you were waiting for, the breakdown I prophesised earlier. You may want to rewind and watch it again, relive the moment in glorious HD with the new range of half price HD ready TVs from...

Kirk: Hey stop that! I have some dignity!

Narrator: Not anymore.

_Cut_


	3. Chapter 3: Creativity crash

Hello again! Welcome to the third part of Clash of the Stars, where a lack of originality and some striking crew threaten the show's quality. I am going to assume that the disclaimers and character lists in the first two chapters will suffice, and that we can get on with the actual story. Oh yes, we'll be skipping the last time thing, because if you honestly can't remember what happened in the last chapter you can go back and check. Now...

_Cue title sequence._

_The clearing slowly comes into focus, and everyone is frozen, not yet aware that filming has started. Some incomprehensible yelling can be heard from off-screen and suddenly all the characters spring to life._

Carter: What was that? Is it over already? Did I miss it again? And ... uh, is there a reason that Kirk's on the floor, or is it a continuity error?

_The cameraman cuts to an angle where Kirk is invisible, just in case._

Revan: What a shame, it appears to be over.

_Revan seems genuinely disappointed, in contrast, Kirk, who has just staggered to his feet, is grinning like a madman and mouthing 'I'm alive!' at everyone who looks at him._

Carter: Aww, so I did miss it. It's not fair; I always miss the time loops. I wish that...

Kirk: Believe me, you don't.

_Just then, the writer tears onto the set, paper flying everywhere, brandishing half a chewed up page like a deadly weapon._

Writer: We've run out of ideas, we're left with a five minute hole in the script, quick improvise!

_Her lawyer later insisted that the sweater guy's dog ate it._

Kirk: Khaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

_Five agonisingly loud minutes later._

Kirk: aaaaan!

_Everyone is silent for a few moments afterwards, unsure how they can follow something like that._

Jedi: That must break a record.

_The camera pans around to face the narrator, but before a word is spoken the writer spots a waging tail approaching, and gathers up the remaining script and heads for the hills. The dog leaves, disappointed. _

Narrator: Due to the recent author strikes it is up to me to bridge the gap between these two scenes. The next one may have some familiar lines in it so keep watching.

_In fact, the next scene is made entirely of quotes, since the narrator couldn't think of anything to write._

Narrator: Damit! I'm a narrator, not a writer! I'm going off to get a real job, one where...

_The sound tails off as the narrator follows the path of the writer, albeit with a lot more cursing._

Carter: Listen closely, for I shall say this only once.

_She pauses, to let the significance of this statement sink in._

Carter: I have a cunning plan.

Kirk: No, no that's impossible!

_It is impossible to tell whether that last comment was sarcastic or not, since the acting was so bad._

Jedi: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Darth Chavus: Kowabunga dudes!

_Everyone acts as if he never existed, which is probably a good thing._

Jedi: I have a bad feeling about this.

Carter: Indeed.

Kirk: I may throw up on you.

Carter: As you wish.

Jedi: But surely you can't be serious?

Carter: Of course I'm serious, and don't call me Shirley!

Kirk: Who you gonna call?

Carter: That's not important right now.

Darth Chavus: Fish are friends, not food!

Carter: Nooooo!

Hathor: I need a volunteer.

Jedi: This is not the volunteer you are looking for.

Revan: The force is strong with this one.

Kirk: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Jedi: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

Carter: It's life Jim, but not as we know it.

Darth Chavus: I'm gonna love him and hug him and name him George.

Hathor: This is absolutely insane!

Jedi: Only a sith deals in absolutes.

Darth Chavus: Never gonna give you up.

_The narrator returns, dragging a reluctant writer behind her._

Narrator: Desist this weirdness! I give in, I'll come back, as long as things have an explanation for happening, from now on okay, and don't anyone dare suggest that I attempt to explain that last bit, because I swear that only universe ending paradoxes could ensue.

Jedi: Well that was random.

Kirk: You don't say.

Carter: What's that over there?

_There is a rustling in the bushes, and out steps a shadowy figure, with an even more shadowy stick. As he steps into the light it is clear that we have never seen him before, he is a new character, but a nameless one, for he is only on a temporary contract. He swings the stick around, and we can see that it has been painted red, he is not a shadowy man with a stick, he is a shadowy sith with a lightsaber!_

Kirk: Quick, head for cover, dive, dive, dive!

_The majority of them do, except Hathor, who saunters calmly off screen, and the Jedi, who picks up a green __stick__ lightsaber, and charges at the sith, and they begin to fight. The sith strikes first and the Jedi blocks, then swipes at the sith's side, the blow is deflected, then we are treated to a slow motion shot of the sith slashing at the Jedi's head, only to miss as the Jedi ducks at the last moment. The fight continues, but the camera has zoomed out to give us a shot of the others hiding in the bushes. The cameraman zooms in on Carter, who takes out a pistol and shoots the sith in the chest. The camera zooms out again, and we see the sweater guy dragging the sith off-screen._

Carter: Now that that's over.

_Everyone is emerging from their hiding places, and most are congratulating Carter, but soon things settle down as if nothing had happened; after all, a random unexplained fight scene is not the strangest thing to happen in this fanfic._

Jedi: You know I've been wondering, how come Kirk get's all the best lines? I bet the director's biased; either that or someone just doesn't like me.

_At that moment, a stick falls from the sky and hits the Jedi on the head. Is this evidence for the director's bias, or has the excessive rabbiting annoyed the squirrels? _

Jedi: See what I mean?

Kirk: It's just because my universe is the best.

Carter: No, mine is!

_Kirk, enraged, flies at Carter, determined to prove his universe's superiority. There is a cloud of cartoon smoke, and as the dust settles, both combatants are unconscious._

Jedi: I win by default.

_This is said with much pride and (moral) superiority._

Narrator: Are they dead?

_The narrator almost seems concerned. Almost._

Khan: Not yet! Muhhahaha!

_The evil laugh continues on and off for quite a while, so the narrator interrupts._

Narrator: Err... I assume that's a good thing? I hope that's a good thing. Could you leave now, because you're starting to creep me out. STOP STARING AT ME!

_Khan's evil laugh has started to degenerate into a malicious giggle, but the staring continues. There is a small scale camera pan, and a random guy can be seen approaching the set, with a cardboard knight's helmet and a plastic sword._

Random Guy: Is this the site of the medieval battle re-enactment society?

Narrator: No.

Random Guy: Shame.

_He swings around and stabs the sweater guy, who was sneaking up behind him, and then calmly walks off._

Hathor: I vote that we leave this place, and go somewhere else, how can the plot advance if we just stay in the same place?

Carter: Good point, we still have to find the stargate!

Kirk: What's that over there?

_He points to a large dark swirly thing on the horizon, a sure sign that somehow, despite everything, they now have a budget. Things can only get better. They hope. _

Jedi: Somehow, I don't think that this is the best idea you're ever had.

Narrator: And so, despite their better judgement, the group set off towards the unidentified swirly thing, and whatever lies beyond...

_Cut._


End file.
